2.- Abusive Relationship

Does your husband beat you when you are successful?

December 9, 2018 by Nora Femenia Leave a Comment

DID YOU GET HIS HOSTILE RESPONSE WHEN YOU HAD A LITTLE SUCCESS?

It takes time and some distance from the violent situation, to get our heads in order…

Living under domestic violence is not easy in the brain, because we are living under constant stress….and it clouds sound judgment.

It was only after several of the same incidents, that my inner voice said: “Wait a minute, there is a pattern here!”

It happens that, finally I was connecting the dots:

Every time I tell him something positive happening to me, or about my success, I get his hostile reaction…
Even more: the more success I get, the more aggression he shows…

How can this startling reaction be happening?

Or, in other words: does your husband beat you more, and exhibits more aggression exactly when you are successful?

Do you remember a time when you came back home sharing a positive comment received?

Some real appreciation, as a raise? Or an honor, like receiving a diploma, with your name on it?

Here is my story: I was beginning to get teaching assignments, at a local private small university…for little money.

It was the start of my teaching career what made this piece of paper significant… I was finally teaching at university level!

So, I get the invitation to attend a ceremony, where we new faculty will get recognized…and get our teaching diplomas!

Of course, I told about this event at home…planning how I was going to get dressed (do I need new shoes?) and very excited…

when I could watch the somber mood of my husband.

He began immediately accusing me of exploiting this opportunity to explore how to be unfaithful! and very fast he was beating my face.

I ended up receiving my diploma using dark glasses..but I went anyway.

He was making me pay for this small step towards my professional success…or financial independence.

Later on, I understood he was threatened by my steady walking towards developing my professional self.

For him, it meant I was leaving behind a traditional role of obedient wife, and he resented me for that. He imagined that the house would be abandoned, that I would not cook anymore for him, on the surface.

I understood that he was afraid of me getting to be more successful than what he was in his own life. There was a competition going on!

The more you develop yourself and explore what you are good at, beyond home duties, you walk into dangerous territory…

because hubby will feel threatened by this new woman, who is not the same person he married…

But we have a duty to develop ourselves, both men and women…

If he does not accept your right to self-development, and you dare to show how much fun you are having because you are becoming a real adult person in the world, the more punishment you will get.

Horrible, right?

I hope you have a different hubby, that can feel proud of his wife because you are progressing and learning and maturing:

a husband that is your partner in developing personally and not a jailer and controller, who thinks each one of your steps means an attack,

or a dirty competition destined to leave him in the dust.

And there is more: there is a scale by which a bit of rebellion gets a bit of punishment, but a larger step ahead gets a lot…

Are you connecting now the fact of leaving the marriage (and going to the shelter) with the real possibility of the husband killing you?

Sadly, this is the moment when more women get killed by their own husbands…To say it clearly: if you are married to a guy that is falling behind, not excelling in his occupation, and feeling jealous of what you can do (at the same time shouldering domestic work and the kids…), each step towards your personal development will be an insult to him. Another opportunity to feel rage because he is “postponed” “not-recognized” and “abandoned” by his wife when she goes to work each morning!

I don’t have a magic formula to protect you. What I want here to do is alert you to the risks of growing faster than him, if he is a resentful person who will attack you at each step forward you do.

This is the lesson…you need to know how and when you share with him any information about your success. You need to moderate your satisfaction, hide your joy and cover up any reasons for him to feel postponed. You can use a simple trick: to get him his share of the recognition and praise: “you helped me get to this point..”

Of course, if this is too much emotional work to do, only to keep his ego quiet and not becoming a threat for you, then don’t do it. Otherwise, you will know that this is the time to prepare -step by step- a safe exit from this empty relationship and go your own way.

In this case, I wish you a safe, careful and well-planned exit!

Coach Nora

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A woman with bruises and bloody lip

What is the cost of living with personal conflict?

November 5, 2017 by Nora Femenia Leave a Comment

You hear it all the time. If you’ve got a problem you can’t solve, get a professional. In other words, if you’ve got a conflict you can’t solve, you seek out a conflict coach, a mediator, a therapist, or counselor. Even when you can use some advice from a good book, there is always the need of external support.

Many of us balk at these choices because we see them as things other people do, other people who don’t know how to help themselves. This is probably the wrong mindset…because we tend to deny the personal impact of an unhappy, or worst, a violent marriage. Take some minutes to use this chart and evaluate where you are now…it will help you clarify your situation and reach some decisions.

Learn to identify abuse when it happens

August 4, 2017 by Nora Femenia Leave a Comment

I.- LEARN TO THINK OF ABUSE AS CONTROL

In a basic way, we can say that emotional abuse has to do with control. Someone is emotionally abusive when they try to exert control over someone else, in a way that produces pain (physical or emotional). Of course, it is easier to see first the pain and humiliation aspects of being controlled by another as a grown up (not a child any more), but the fact is that the two aspects go together. We can see the emotional abuse causing suffering, (from the abused person’s experience) but in the end, it is one part of the couple who wants to be able to control behaviors, thoughts and emotions of the other person, in any way possible.

When dishing out emotional abuse, the abuser will take whatever they know is a weak spot for the other person, and use it against them. For example, your abuser might:

Remember a confession from you, done in an environment of trust, and twist it against you
Bring up your embarrassing childhood (or current) insecurities
Publicly humiliate you about eating habits, ways of speaking, your attire, etc
Insult your intelligence
Critique your sexual performance
Guilt-trip you about your parenting skills

Insults, criticism and threats are connected with this weak spot, in this way your abuser devalues you as a person and tries to take away your self-esteem. Conveniently for the abuser, you may also be made to lose trust in others, which keeps you close at your abuser’s side and away from family or friends. So, you are disconnected from people who could reinforce your self-esteem.

In each instance, because your partner adopts a “I’m better than you, so I can critique you” attitude, it creates an environment where you are subservient to their “superiority.” Because, they say they know better or their decisions are better, or say whatever puts you in the inferior position, you have to begin training yourself on the basic idea:

They are no better because they say so, or because someone has decided they have to have control of everything in the marriage, primarily you and your own life and decisions: THEY ARE ONLY SAYING SO!

Now, repeat with me:

“HE SAYS THAT HE KNOWS BEST, AND MY JOB EACH TIME IS TO DECIDE IF I BELIEVE HIM OR NOT”

What he is doing, is framing his control as part and parcel of the marriage deal…If, in his frame, the man has always the power and authority to control the female, he is only doing what is “natural” and “normal.”

In the end, it is only his belief; there are no rules written in heaven that say that you must submit against your good sense. Our job here is to challenge this frame, first by not accepting it as a God-given reality…not all husbands control their wives, right?

Challenging his frame: What you do, is ask yourself:

Why is it that he needs to control me by abusive means?
If I did not provoke him, where is this behavior coming from?
What makes him so insecure he needs to resort to abuse?

KEEP asking yourself those questions, up until you find the deep answers. It is not that abuse is not wrong; it always is…

Now, you are beginning to use your brain to understand that his “God-given right to control his wife,” could be described as several things:

-I’m the only target for his anger which will not retaliate against him (because I have less strength, or more tolerance, etc)

-He does it when things go bad in his office and he feels behind, underestimated or humiliated by his colleagues;

-Sometimes, seeing me able to think and come up with good ideas scares him, because it makes him feel inferior…(instead of being happy for me, he is competing with me and doesn’t want to acknowledge my intelligence)

-He has been treated as insignificant by his family for any reason (gender, age, some disability, etc) and wants now to be the king of this marriage by subduing me…in short, he is compensating his own feelings of inferiority by making me feel inferior.

-He can’t compete against his male buddies, and then compensates by putting me down, as they put him down before….and so on and so forth…

As you can see, as soon as you stop looking at your pain, and watch him and his motivations, you can see that controlling you is a desperate maneuver to feel powerful and in control over something…(of course, the wrong choice!)

What do you do with this knowledge?

FIRST: you stop believing that he has a God-given right to control you. And see his abuse as the most miserable behavior he can do to recover a bit of his self-respect. It never can be real love.

SECOND: the human motivations behind his control are not signals of loving care and attention to your needs, but generated by his fear and insecurity

THIRD: you have ways of managing his abuse, by just knowing that he is not powerful, but a pitiful person (or child) hiding his insecurities behind a projected powerful and menacing persona he creates only to scare you into submission.

3.- POINTS TO REMEMBER

1.- As soon as you realize his motivations, you get empowered: he is not your master, but a weak person oblivious to the fact that his insecurity is damaging both of you.

2.- Each time you see him doing something abusive, ask yourself:’

‘What is the right, supportive and caring behavior I need/want to have or receive here?”

By telling yourself, you remember what is normal, supportive and nurturing in a relationship, and give yourself permission to hope that you will find it in the near future.

If you want a reminder here, let me share with you the basics of a real, good and healthy marriage:

He consistently values and appreciates you;
Listens and shows interest in you and your projects;
Is compassionate and helpful when you need him to be there for you;
Cares about how you feel, even when you disagree with him;
Shows affection without always expecting sex in return;
Regulates his own baggage: (guilt, anxiety, resentment, anger, depression) without blaming them on you.
Shares everything in the partnership: money, time, household chores, etc. without any complain, as normal.

Once you recognize abuse for what is it : a pathetic attempt to build up his own self-esteem, by controlling your own ideas and creativity, you know that it’s not “love” but insecurity.

You have the choice now to avoid taking seriously whatever negative comment he makes of you, and think: “I must been doing some good things, if he gets scared of my growth…”

You have the choice now to stop expecting appreciation from him and begin developing your own self-esteem…Protect your self and plan how to survive in this challenge and you will emerge with a stronger sense of who you are and what is your life mission!

WISHING YOU THE BEST!

When Abuse Becomes Emotional Torture

March 17, 2017 by Nora Femenia Leave a Comment

When abuse at home feels like torture

There are some people who think they would still rather be emotionally abused than physically abused. If someone has ever told you that your emotional abuse situation “could be worse,” we will apologize for that person. Emotional pain is just as serious as physical pain, not only because the victim often blames herself, but also because the abuser can manipulate the victim’s mind like it is weak putty. Furthermore, we can argue that the longest term effects of physical abuse are the psychological effects – the idea that the abuser can physically use and abuse the victim is the same “you are mine and you are nothing” mentality that the abuser tries to instill with emotional abuse.

With no inner sense of self or existence, life can be incredibly difficult. Healing from abuse thus means correcting the abuser’s attempt to banish you into a void of nothingness.

There is a point where abuse becomes torture. This point is spelled out by an emotional abuse blogger: “you decide to let yourself drown in mere curiosity of will you ever discover the bottom.” Emotional abuse is very much like an enormous sea; sometimes the struggle to stay afloat seems like too much to bear. When abuse becomes torture, you decide to just give in. That is called the death of hope, which is the end result that torture hopes to achieve.

It is as if you give up your own identity and your abuser sucks it in; leaving you an empty shell ready to be filled by his ideas. Through this surrender, you become a mere puppet, voicing his own points of view, and obliterating any original idea, perception or opinion you could have. In the end, you don’t have any more of your own ideas, and you become his mouth piece.

Perhaps you remember coming across such a couple at some point, where she repeats whatever he is saying, with admiration or even just emotionless resignation? This is not love, this is the total replacement of your individuality, achieved by torture.

Torture has two steps:

1. Obliterating your own personality by fear;

2. Telling you “what you should be thinking”

(Sounds like something we call brainwashing, right?)

In this second stage you don’t need more torture and the abuser can throw you the bone of appreciating what you think… because what you “think” are his own mindset and ideas. Now you are really a good wife, his ego is happy and things seem to go smoothly up until one of your old ideas pops up and you start to share it. Then you can see the resurgence of the torture method: intimidation, verbal violence, cold shoulder and isolation, even physical violence is a part of this package of marital torture.

Your abuser wants to make it clear that you have only one “choice,” and that choice is submit to his personality… If you are lucky, perhaps you have access to some religious framing that allows you to believe you are doing the “will of God” by submitting to your husband. But don’t cheat yourself: if it is done in God’s name, love and not torture should be the method to invite you to share his worldviews… if there is emotional violence and torture, the game is pathology and not love.

You must avoid this death of your hope for your future by focusing on the life that you can make for yourself out of the bits and pieces of yourself still left (and those pieces are still there, you just have to look a little harder). Up until now, you and your abuser have been fighting for air and the last piece of the wrecked ship that is your relationship. Stop fighting for control over that; he wants you to think that you have to stay with him in order to survive, and you don’t have to. Swim to cleaner waters on the pieces you choose to take with you: your family, your friends, your old loves and life goals. Break free of the emotional torture cycle by creating your own schedule and taking time for you and you alone, building up a life for yourself. Time alone can break the cycle of torture, and only after that cycle is broken can you begin to approach your struggling husband and repair your relationship (if you want to).

PD. Do you find yourself in this hellish place? we want to share what other women did to heal: You can read it here!