Overcoming Emotional Abuse

Surviving emotional abuse, abuse in marriage

1.- Facts about emotional abuse

When He Has a Rage Attack, Do You Get Afraid of Him?

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If he does a sudden rage attack, do you go into fright? how much does it scare you?

In the middle of any conversation, your husband suddenly gets really upset…and in a short time, he is yelling and cursing at you.

Does your husband yells at you when he gets mad?

 

Of course, it takes you by surprise! the issue you were discussing was not life or death, and was developing in a casual way…suddenly, a button is pressed and you have a full blown anger attack in front of you.

I’m here not suggesting to discover what was the psychological issue that got involuntarily triggered…what I  want to focus on is on your fright. Suddenly, from a silly domestic conversation, you are thrown in to an unexpected state of war. Surprise, shock and fear  keep you paralyzed while he shouts insults at you…who is this person attacking you?

Even one episode of sudden rage attack can be very damaging to you. The receiver of such attack has no defenses, and gets inundated by fear hormones that take a very long time to dissipate…You can feel scared, fearful and numb. Even if he manages to stop, and apologize to you, the fear attack is in your system and keeps breaking havoc in your defenses. 

When you can breathe again, there is a lot of work to be done to recover your emotional health. You can ask yourself some questions. Answering yes to a majority of them most likely indicates that you need a break from the toxicity of this marriage:

  • Do you doubt your own memory or sense of reality after the attack? (“It wasn’t so bad”)
  • Do you doubt your own judgment about what’s best for you? (“I need to be patient with him”)
  • Do you often feel unsafe, as if harm could come to you at any moment? (“I’m concerned about my security”)
  • Do you feel that you can’t do anything or go anywhere without their permission? (“It’s better to avoid his anger”)
  • Do you feel depressed, dejected or like there is no point in being alive? (“I don’t care about anything”)
  • And the most important question: Do you feel afraid of your partner?

If you answered yes to many of these, especially the last one, you probably need to leave your partner for the time being. Leaving your partner for the time you set down will give you the chance to discover how deeply you are wounded, what it will take to heal, and whether it’s even worth the emotional challenge of staying in the marriage.

Where can you go? When you take a break from your home and abuser, you can seek the shelter of friends and family (especially if you’ve been isolated from them), and they will be able to give you feedback about who you are and how loved you are, instead of abusive feedback about your “mistakes.” This would also be a good time to reconnect with what you’re capable of and what you can do with your life, today on.

Leaving sends your abuser a signal of zero-tolerance. The responsibility to change then rests on your partner – the ball is in his court. Will he change? Is being in a relationship with you more important than allowing himself to explode? If he refuses his own responsibility in your fright, it adds to the possibility of more serious damage in the future. At the least, you need him to accept that there is something wrong he needs to take care of, and seek external professional help to solve. And get some support for yourself, as to heal the hurt of watching your loved partner becoming an angry monster ready to pounce on you.

If you wish to read more, we have a book recommendation for you: When Love Hurts

We wish you courage to face this difficult situation and find a way to recover your self-respect!

How to Respond to an Abusive, Screaming Man

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You never married a screaming man, did you?

Oh, no, your boyfriend was a normal, caring person talking to you with respect…that is why you married him! So now, why is he transformed into this raging man? What happened to him that now you are shocked by his anger explosions?

There is a process that takes you from that sweet time of starting a love story with him, to now. You had this intense love affair where you felt smothered by his strong love and need for you….so getting together was the most exciting part of your life. All this time, he was gentle, patient and understanding… and you felt secure in this relationship. You even believed that he was attentive and interested to listen and solve your needs.

Who is this man now?

You are probably surprised to watch him suddenly acting as if he is always right (and if he has a suspicion that he’s not, it’s your “fault” and you’re “just out to get him”). If now he perceives you as confronting or criticizing him, (or worst, putting him down!) because you ask him only about what’s wrong, he can be even more enraged. 

You are starting to discover his deep insecurity, which will demand a show of anger to put the sacred order of marriage with him on top in place again. He is always right, remember? Later on, with more personal learning, you will see your husband attaching himself to the male brotherhood trying to impose their personal model of primal masculinity on their wives, so as to get the primacy in marriage. They believe that male leadership is imposed with violence, and not with integrity and respect.

If you move from asking what’s wrong to confronting him, he will transform this normal conversation into a serious offense, and will resort to yell and fight in messy anger explosions in order to get what he wants, (to silence you just now) especially when it seems like he is losing the battle to get his wish.

It is important to keep in mind that you may encounter this type of loud and angry attack, when trying to confront your husband for the first time, when having to set some limits to his behaviors in order to preserve your integrity, or when trying to take a break from the relationship. Knowing that, do you feel the need to find some help for relationship?

Many women are shocked the first time their husband screams, name calls or insults them. He is angry, shouting and facing her down with his entire wrath. Let’s remember this first shock of yours; it is the first indication that the promise of marriage (“to be together to love and respect each other”) was not his soul truth, but only words.

As a spouse, you have to feel shocked, hurt and totally blindsided by this attack. There is no way we can cover up and deny the total effect of this aggression on us. It is sudden, unexpected, and leaves us with a sour taste afterwards. But how do we make sense of this aggression in the midst of a marriage we deem happy? How do we recover the lost sense of security being with him, when you don’t know if this terrible anger episode will repeat itself? Unfortunately, almost by mandate, we immediately run to forget the incident or make excuses for his behavior. We do this either because we fear the unknown aspects of his anger, or are unable to address them, and so we choose denial by saying: “he was stressed out; too tired; under a lot of pressure, etc.”

This is the first mistake: not taking this violation of interpersonal limits seriously, and so, absorbing rather than deflecting the abuse. Remember that you must respond to his anger, and never ignore it as if it is “ok.” If you ignore it and make excuses for your abuser, he will succeed in controlling you. An anger attack on an unsuspecting partner is abuse, and qualifies in the same line as either emotional or physical abuse. It is experienced as a violation of boundaries: as an abusive interaction. When this boundary is crossed your precious trust in your partner is gone. It’s true that you get emotionally hurt with his verbal violence, but there is not outside bodily mark of his anger on your body… “only” on your soul, which is a lot to suffer!

There are many ways that you can respond to an abusive and screaming man. Of course you can scream back, but this does not help you communicate past his defense of “make noise and hope it scares my enemy off.” 

Responding in a healthy way means first being able to recognize in time his “anger cues”:


Physical: tensing muscles, clenching fists, jaw tightens, agitation;
Behavioral: raise voice, stand up tight, fix his eyes on you, breathe short and shallow, leave theroom, yell, pound the walls, slam doors.
Emotional: feelings of being abandoned, discounted, disrespected, guilty, humiliated,impatient, insecure, jealous, afraid, or rejected.
Verbal: “righteous anger thinking,” repetitive claims about injustice, constant self-talk about victimization, “all the world, including his wife” attacking him.

How do you react after seeing an anger attack coming (watching two or more of the above cues)?

Can you remember that he is doing a show of anger in order to scare you into submission? If so, then:

1.- Leave the situation and/or house

Yes! Leaving sends the message that you’re not going to sit there and be a willing audience. The truth is that he needs you in a vital role: to be the intimidated spectator of his rage attack. If you leave, probably having this attack is not so much fun because the purpose, (to intimidate you into submission) will not be achieved. So, he needs you there, even if he needs to feign that he is ever-so-sorry about shouting and yelling at you later.

Remember that if he has your undivided, scared attention, then he can go full blown into the attack: nostrils flaring, screaming and cursing you for all his problems, fixing his eyes on you so as to see how scared you are (meaning that he is successful, and you will not leave him), and if you seem not scared enough, then escalating into slamming doors and punching walls. He can make also a show of breaking things, probably your most cherished household things as to teach you a lesson and prevent having you “enraging him” in the future.

2.-Leave emotionally (detach)

If you had some kind of psychological support, as in having a coach, or a good friend, you could get the resiliency necessary to care for yourself first. Here, you need to create a special mantra to protect your mind along this trial by fire. To save your sanity you need to repeat to yourself:

“He is choosing to have now an anger attack. It’s his decision and nothing of what I have done to him warrants this attack, directed to me but triggered by who knows what from his past. I can stand here, and wait until he is finished, because this is the safer spot in the house now. Once he is finished, I will make better plans to protect myself and the children.”

Meanwhile, if you have to hear his ranting along… try to detach yourself of his words and the content of the words he is saying. Keep repeating:

“Nothing of what I have done to him warrants this attack, directed to me but triggered by who knows what from his past,” several times.

Breath deeply and detach, trying to look at this unleashed fury as it you were in a theater watching a powerful, but alien performance. It’s not with you, has nothing to do with you and you’re better off watching without engagement. Watch out to any guilty feelings you can have, and decide to ignore them…you are not guilty of enraging him; he is doing it by himself.

3.- Stand up to him (if it’s safe)

There are varying opinions on whether to fight back (meaning confront/take a stand, not shouting back). Some people feel that it is important to stand up for yourself and show that you won’t be pushed around. Others claim that this may subject you to greater violence. You can say, in a normal voice:

“Please, lower your voice, I need to hear what is bothering you; if you shout, I can’t hear you.”

Knowing your own strength and your husband’s personality will tell you whether fighting back will benefit or harm you. Avoid screaming back or shouting back, because that will endanger you, and can prompt more violence.

There is no big win here, so select the behavior that will you help you be safer, not the most heroic. Remember, your aim is to survive this outburst with minimum damage, so let it go!

4.- Take care of the children

If you have kids pay attention to their behavior. Every child reacts differently to anger explosions. You could have even one imitating such behavior. It’s highly recommended to seek for professional help for them immediately. It’s not just your personal security and health which is at risk, but theirs as well. The impact on their emotional well being of being scared by anger attacks will not be activated perhaps until adulthood, but it will be there. And the consequences for them will be a general fear of life, and/or a permanent sense of insecurity in the world.

What is that you want for yourself:

  • A place of honor and respect?
  • A way to be appreciated and understood?

Only you can use the energy from that repressed wish of yours to crawl from under abuse and recover your life! Do you want help with this life-saving project?  You can always reach out to my book: Emotional Abuse

And remember that you can get connected here, tell your story and get responses also, because we care about you! Wishing you the best in life!

Am I Being Abused?

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How to Know if You Are Being Abused Now?

This question may have crossed your mind a time or two. Try this Abuse Screening List. Look over the following questions.

Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, abuse doesn’t have to be physical!

When one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse!

One or two checks doesn’t necessarily indicate abuse, but might give you pause to think about working on the relationship.

Does (or has) your partner…
_____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
_____ Slowly isolated you from your family and friends?
_____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
_____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
_____ Threaten to hurt your children if you do not do what they say?
_____ Threaten your pet if you don’t comply with their wants or desires?
_____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
_____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?
_____ Treat you roughly – grab, push pinch, shove or hit you?
_____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
_____ Made you totally dependent on them economically?
_____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
_____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
_____ Refusing to give you or your children medical and dental care?
_____ Force you to have an abortion?
_____ Preventing you from going to church and participating in church activities?
_____ Restrict you’re your access to the children?
_____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
_____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?
_____ Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with your friends or family?
_____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?
_____ Make you take drugs or alcohol?
_____ If you need assistive devices such as a cane or wheelchair, are they taken out of reach?

For those in Domestic Discipline Relationships:
____ Are standards set so high you usually fall short of them?
_____ Are you punished in anger?
_____ Are punishments too severe for the offense?
_____ Are your mistakes not expained to you?
_____ Are you treated a child?
_____ Is affection withdrawn as punishment?

And for those that are in to the B & D and S & M of BDSM:
_____ Are hard limits ignored?
_____ Is safety ignored?
_____ Is there no effort made to resolve conflict after a problematic session?
_____ Is there no aftercare given?
_____ Are you just used as a `object’ on which your partner takes out their anger?
_____ Has your partner tried to force you into sexual situations with others?
_____ Are your needs as a submissive/slave ignored?
_____ Has your partner ever used scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

The following are Indications of MAJOR Abuse. Counseling is recommended for anyone that can answer YES to any of the following questions.

Do you…
_____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
_____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
_____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
_____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
_____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
_____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
_____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
_____ Doubt your own judgment even in small decisions?
_____ Always doubt your memory of the way things happened because of what he says?
_____ Feel increasingly trapped and powerless?
_____ Have you thought of suicide?
_____ Have you thought of murdering your partner as a way out?

Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you still feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist should be considered a substitute for counseling.

If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now!

Courtesy of the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

The Seven Faces of Mental Abuse

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The Seven Faces of Mental Abuse

Today we’re looking at an article by Annie Kaszina at Ezine Articles, who has written about the seven most important things to know about mental abuse. You could consider these the seven “faces” or aspects of mental abuse, that are most common to each mental abuse situation.

1. “Sticks and stones won’t break my bones” – and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.

Being told you are “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.

The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.

2. You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

3. You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”

If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgement. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.

4. You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?

Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?

When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.

5. Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.

You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.

If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.

6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)

Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.

7. You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.

Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by mental abuse, it is never too late to heal.

But you do need to work with a person or a program specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.

Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner.

Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language can heal you. If you visit “Emotional Abuse” you can overcome past mental abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.

You can read Annie Kaszina’s entire article here.

At the Overcoming Emotional Abuse Course, we aim to help you heal from mental abuse. As Kaszina said, it can be hard to heal if it seems like your partner is fixed on preventing you from healing. That is why our course is built around support from other women. In this way, you can effectively learn about your abuse situation and avoid making a commitment to another mentally abusive partner down the road. Your story could also help other women gain courage and strength to stand up to abuse.



Get the Facts About Psychological Abuse


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How the abuse becomes psychological?


Yes, psychological abuse is another way of talking about emotional abuse. However, using the term “psychological” can help us break down the facts about how this type of abuse occurs.


Psychological abuse is a repeated interaction between two people, in which one person attacks the other’s self worth, social competence (as a mother, child, sibling or worker), and makes that person believe that they are unwanted, unloved, and deeply flawed. When the psychological attacks become routine, the relationship can be defined as abusive.


Psychological abuse is then exactly what it sounds like: an attack on your psyche. Although some people will write this type of abuse off as “still better than being hit,” it is important to see how psychological abusers aim to twist how you see yourself, to the point that they tell you who and what you are. This is a terrible theft of identity, which can make it incredibly hard for you to break from the image of you that the abuser has created.


When overcoming psychological abuse in your life, you must identify this image of yourself and destroy it: if you don’t, you will continue to go through life seeing yourself through your abuser’s eyes, assuming that you are inadequate and undeserving, which can deeply hurt your future relationships.


It is also important to remember that it is the long term psychological effects that can be most damaging in a physically/sexually abusive relationship. Although physical damage eventually heals, the psychological damage that comes with it can take years to overcome.


Something else to keep in mind is that psychological abuse affects many households. According to Facts Court Watch, out of 504 children, 29% had been emotionally abused by caregivers compared to the 9% who had been sexually abused and the 14% who had been physically abused. Facts Court Watch also points out that children who are exposed to marital abuse in the home are affected as if they had been directly psychologically abused.


“Crazy Making” & “Gaslighting”


“Crazy making” is how many people describe an abuser’s tendency to mix abusive behavior with “breadcrumbs” of love and affection, which keeps the victim hanging on for better times by ensuring that the abuser is capable of love (conditional, of course, on the victim being “good”). Another aspect of psychological abuse to keep in mind is “gaslighting.” Here’s a definition from Facts Court Watch:




Perpetrators of emotional/psychological abuse often consciously employ a strategy called, “gaslighting”  in which they present an alternate reality to their victims, police, therapists and judges.  Gaslighting involves denying what occurred, offering plausible but untrue accounts of what occurred, or suggesting the victim is imagining things, exaggerating or lying.   Gaslighting strategies leave victims doubting their own perceptions, memory or sanity and serve to confuse police, judges and therapists into inaction or worse, supporting the abuser, while leaving the victims feeling helpless and alone against the abuse.




It is important that you educate yourself in the possibility of manipulation by other person. This will prevent you becoming a victim of other person’s abusive intentions…


Psychological abuse involves the regular and deliberate use of a range of words and non-physical actions used with the purpose to manipulate, hurt, weaken or frighten a person mentally and emotionally; and/or distort, confuse or influence a person’s thoughts and actions within their everyday lives, changing their sense. Finally, the purpose is to destroy the mental capacity to understand and make meaning of the abuse. If this point is achieved, the person can not see herself as a victim, and would resign herself to a state of emotional slavery.






You can escape this hurtful situation now! As for a complimentary support session with Coach Nora!


Is Emotional Bullying Bringing You Down?


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What is emotional bullying?


In general, we can understand emotional bullying as emotional abuse. Emotional abuse in the home is always emotional bullying. However, bullying can also be a more “social” form of abuse that doesn’t occur in your home. Perhaps you have been bullied at work or school, or are still emotionally wounded from being bullied as a child. Let’s see what Edel Jarboe says about emotional bullying in “I’m Rubber and You’re Glue: Handling Emotional Bullies”:


 




Emotional bullying is when someone tries to gain control by making others feel angry or afraid. It is characterized by verbal abuse such as name-calling, sarcasm, incessant teasing, threatening, mocking, putting down, belittling, ignoring, and lying.


It is also known as adult and workplace bullying, when emotional bullying includes such interpersonal and public abusive behavior  as purposeful exclusion from a group, ganging up on others, or open humiliation. Moreover, this type of bullying also extends to racially or sexually abusive comments and behavior.


Because emotional bullying can be the most difficult type of bullying to cope with or prove, its effects can be devastating. In a recent study, researchers at the University of South Australia found that for males and females, frequent peer victimization and low social support contributed significantly and independently to relatively poor mental health.


Any person being a victim may be forced to feel shame, embarrassment, guilt and fear which can result in depression, low self-esteem, shyness, poor academic or job performance, isolation, or threatened or attempted suicide.


Emotional bullying takes a tremendous toll on your health and self-esteem because such behavior and attacks are as damaging to the mind and body as if they were physical. In other words, emotional bullying is a form of social violence.


Read Jarboe’s entire article here. Jarboe reminds us in her article that experts have found that over 50% of adults have experienced emotional bullying at work, home or other social places.




Being emotionally bullied is frequent




We know from working with our clients and from our own research that childhood experiences progress into adulthood. Thus, a child bully will often become an adult bully, and a victim of bullying childhood will often unconsciously put up walls to protect themselves from bullying in adulthood.


Our first recommendation for dealing with an emotional bullying situation is one that works for adults and children: it’s not about you. Studies have found that people who bully others have a lack of compassion and an internal pain that makes them aggressively hurt others. If you can remind yourself (or your children) that the bully in your life is acting on their own insecurity, the bully has less power. It may also help you set the situation straight if the bully is someone you care about and/or live with – you can get better insight into who that person is and how they are hurting. The best part of this way of seeing, however, is that you can remain neutral during a bully’s attempted attack – you no longer give him the reaction he’s looking for.


The second thing to remember is that you need to focus on changing yourself, not him. You can do this by becoming more assertive, strong and independent. This will send the message that you can’t be bullied and that you deserve a better life. Growing your self-esteem is the most important thing in this situation – of course, the other side is that you will usually help the bully to understand more about his behavior and how he needs to start treating you in a better way. But always remember that you can only control your life and your emotions – act as a model for treating others, but don’t spend your energy forcing him to follow your model.


How can you be assertive with a bully?


    

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    Recognize your situation for what it is (emotional bullying and thus emotional abuse)
    

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    Confront your bully by looking him in the eye and be honest about what you don’t like: “Please don’t make fun of me. My opinions are valid and I want to be treated with respect.”
    

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    Be confident about your self-worth. A bully will try to disarm you by taking away your confidence. Disarm your bully by changing the subject, using humor, or confidently stating why their attack of you doesn’t make any sense.
    

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    You can help this along by paying attention to what weak points your bully attacks. Work on improving your self-esteem in these areas so that you aren’t falling into the trap of believing what your bully says about you. In this way, you become stronger and more confident, which is both a defense against bullying and a way of healing bullying effects.
    

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    Always ask for help if physical violence has been used or becomes a possibility.
    

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    Don’t keep your situation quiet, but share your struggles with someone you can trust and who will be there to help you.
    

    WISHING YOU WELL!
    

    

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