Overcoming Emotional Abuse

Surviving emotional abuse, abuse in marriage

Nora Femenia

Too many abusive husband’s demands?

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Husband-yells-and-controls-wifeAre you feeling overwhelmed by your abusive husband’s demands?

PLEASE, ASK YOURSELF:

 
Do you feel the stress of too many simultaneous demands from people around you?
Are you feeling harassed because there is too much conflict in your family?
Do you feel isolated from your loved ones because of constant misunderstandings, and unable to obtain support?
In general, do you feel that you can trust only very few of the people connected with you?

  • Is there a reason that pushes you not to open up with your partner? Have you lost your motivation to nurture and restore your relationship?
  • Too many controlling behaviors from him have left you full of anger?
  • Have you resigned yourself to being isolated from others only to protect yourself from his attacks?
  • Is there a way to protect yourself from his heavy demands?

At last, NOW, when you invest the time and the effort into strengthening your conflict skills, you will be able to manage your relationships by knowing what to do, what to say, and how to motivate people to support and value you.

Having a good conflict coach, you will be able to create the right environment around you, with all the deep love and connection you expect.

No more anxiety or insecurity about psychological abuse; you will know what to do, why, and when to say and do what.

Do you want to know about conflict coaching? Ask for your complimentary consultation at: https://norafemenia.com/schedule-your-coaching-session/

How to begin the healing from an abusive relationship

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I.- How to begin the healing!

After realizing that you are in a relationship that diminishes your self-esteem by making you feel the unworthy and less powerful side, you need to consider a simple plan to backtrack and go back to the whole, self-respecting person you want to be, right?

Perhaps the only place to begin is with yourself. Looking at this primary and inevitable relationship, try to make a plan to forgive your mistakes and learn how to appreciate the good things you do…Every time you catch yourself saying: “Yes, I did that, but it didn’t last (or was too expensive) (or was a lot of work) (or I was working on the wrong direction…) STOP! saying “yes, but” thwarts the process of recognizing the good work you do. Learn to say “I’m able to do excellent work,”  and leave the self-recrimination behind.

One should always work on building and nurturing the intimate relationship with oneself, specially if our minds are full of other people’s negative expressions. Learn to hear yourself saying negative appreciations, without even evaluating if they are right or  not, and teach yourself to stop.

Once you have learned to assert your individual value, and you respect yourself as you are now, then it is possible to begin teaching others how do we want to be treated. Be firm without being aggressive when someone is giving you less respect that you aspire to.
Say again and again:
“This is not the way I prefer to be treated, it’s better if you call me by my name and don’t use “sweetie” or “pretty thing” when talking about me. Also, if you need to raise your voice, don’t be surprised if I choose to walk away….in my life, someone shouting at me is not acceptable.”

Healing from abuse is based on the important decision of shutting out any hurtful expression; and expressing our needs to be treated with love and understanding. Perhaps it will take you some time to get to the point of feeling confident in asserting yourself in this aspect. Try at the beginning to put some distance between you and the abuser, and signal that you need time alone to repair and heal. And use this time to remember all your positive aspects of which you should be proud of!

II.- Steps to healing: accepting yourself

In the process of recovering our self-esteem, there are several little steps that bring a lot of joy. Once you have decided that the view of you that he is promoting has more to do with his sick fantasies than with your reality, then you begin to detach.

Detaching is making some space between his perceptions of you, and who you are. The person who you are is not decided and described by him; now you have begun to be your own person.

Good or bad, you are who you decide to be….it is exhilarating to realize that you can be yourself and not depend on anybody else to tell you how valuable or unworthy you are…

Once you take stock of who you are, warts and all, you can begin by rejoicing of your new freedom! Be happy about freeing yourself; of only depending on yourself for deciding about your life. You can even allow yourself a bit of panic thinking: “what if I need something and I can’t get that by myself?” and the answer is…..’I will find a way, because I’m a resourceful and resilient person!”

Feeling secure and happy about yourself is one of the strongest points in having a healthy relationship with any partner. Remember: you are your own person, and you make yourself happy with your decisions…

For instance: Taking care of yourself by eating right will boost your self-esteem. With a high self-esteem, comes confidence and happiness within yourself. When you are happy about yourself, it’s easy to be happy towards others especially your partner. You are sending the message that you can provide your own peace of mind, so others don’t imagine that it would be easy to control you! This is a shield of protection around you that sends a strong message to potential mates.

Being carefree and self-reliant has also more benefits… You are self-centered in a good way; when you are with or without your partner, you don’t worry about what she or he is doing. Fill self-confident about yourself and carefree about the relationship because you expect good things only.

Of course, you already know how to spot signals of abuse, so now you can say: “I’d prefer you not to treat me in this way: I’m too valuable to be here waiting for you to finish having a conversation with your friends while we postpone going together for dinner. Can you make up your mind and tell me if we are going together, now? There are other things I need to pay attention also…”

And here you are now: positioning yourself in a place of equality and respect…congratulations!

III.- Confronting Abuse With a Strong Self

Once of the strongest tools you have for healing emotional abuse is yourself and your own strength. Today’s tip is to find the YOU in the abuse, especially in self abuse.

Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever perceived faults or shortcomings he may use against you in a fight, you refuse to be defined by his abuse. When he batters you down and tries to keep you under his thumb, you draw on your own strength, not his words, to determine your validity and self-worth.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive self emotional abuse, but thrive in the very face of it. Remember that you can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely scraping yourself together every day. If you need to start confronting abuse, please do it by reinforcing self-esteem.

It may seem easy to pump yourself up, as if you just need to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror once in a while. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you’re not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will rip you right out.

For myself and many others as well, finding yourself starts with contemplative activities such as mediation or yoga, which help to cultivate a strong alliance between the body and the mind. That kind of alliance is powerful fortification against the tempest of doing self emotional abuse.

Mediation, yoga, and tai chi are popular practices in many parts of the world, prized since ancient times for their near-mystical calming qualities. They can be done in the privacy of your home, but if you can, join a class with a group of other women. The emotional connection you’ll gain between yourself and others is an invaluable asset.

Emotional abuse doesn’t just take a toll on your body and mind; it can also deposit poisonous emotions like hatred, fear, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, talking about them skims the surface but doesn’t cut it all out.  There may be things that you have trouble even coming to terms with, much less telling someone about. If you feel those emotions building up and weighing you down, get them out. Paint them, write them, sing them; whatever your instincts lead you to do.

Healing emotional abuse is hard enough because of external forces beyond your control. Don’t let your low self-esteem make it even harder!

IV.-When He Uses Your Faults Against You

You have probably already heard from an associate, friend, or resource that emotional abuse is about control. However, there are more factors at play than mere control, and realizing this is essential to healing emotional abuse and preserving your sense of self-worth.

When your partner attacks you, you may find that he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – doubts about yourself, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate things may be true of you or your personality, perceived or real faults are a trait of every human being, and have no valid presence in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse, they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are in reach.

Why, then, does he throw these smoke bombs out to cloud the issues?

Consider the way you feel after a fight. Did he destroy your happiness for something you were feeling good about before? More often than not, we find that an abuser will target the things that are best about you so that he doesn’t feel threatened or one-upped. It’s almost like an upside-down compliment – the aspects he tries to make you feel bad about might be your best qualities!

Essentially that means that emotional abuse is actually an attempt to hide the abuser’s own vulnerabilities, the things he feels you could overcome him with.

Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship.  The important concept to recognize is that when an abuser feels he’s losing his grip (if it seems like you’re taking his power), the violence will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s vulnerability.

Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not merely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. The real cause, the thing that control expresses, is a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability.

Keep this in mind next time, and pay close attention to what he seems to react to. They may be your most powerful tools for stopping the abuse! There is more information here.

V.- Is Emotional Abuse Wrecking You?

From a forum about emotional abuse and domestic violence, a posting by Ann called my attention:

“First, I have not answered sooner, because my emotional and physical state have me in a daze. I’m terrified I am having a complete physical and mental collapse. I’m very shaky right now .. I’m scared not of him at this second … but that I I’m losing it altogether right now.

I have symptoms like: anger, rage, depression, shock, crying, depression/wish & wanting out … and then physically: sick to stomach, back aching, wish I could vomit, achy all over, shaky, unable to function … what is happening to me???? I need to STOP this now. I have to feel better. My mind is going in circles about what can I do.

My docs feel all my emotional problems (depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and physical ailments (the list is too long) are due to extreme stress. They say yes, you really suffer from major depression, but he made it much, much worse.

Maybe that is why no medication, of the hundreds I tried works. My stress and depression level can’t even be reached…”

And on and on Ann goes, describing the trap she is in: too sick to leave, no family support, isolated and unable to manage her own life. Have you ever been near this situation?

Living with an emotionally abusive person can make you doubt your own survival skills. Step by step, you begin denying and forgetting your own capacity to make yourself happy and healthy. Giving in to his pressure and negative images about you shapes your mindset, and changes your perspective about who you are, your worth as a person and of course, your life purpose.

Having to choose from being emotionally diminished by him and survival is tough: you feel like you have no options, and at the same time, you can’t leave!

You’re probably asking yourself, “What is left that I can do for myself?” If it becomes difficult to come up with an answer, you need help.

Exactly at this moment, you need a support system that can provide you with a vision of what is possible for you in order to survive.

Who is going to give you a strong inspiration to develop your own self-esteem? Who will help you recover a sense of “self-control” to manage your life? Let me help you start. Let’s have a free 30 minute chat. I want to help you get your life back!

You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Please, visit this page to ask for your coaching session.

VI.- Creating a new, more positive self-image day by day

Developing your self-image is a task that you need to do today! Nobody can replace you in this, and its time that you can see the huge difference it makes in your life having a positive self-image compared with the one your overly critical parents gave you…

How you see yourself goes a long way to how you feel about yourself; how do you present yourself to others and how others see you and think of you. If you think positively on the inside then you will glow with confidence on the outside and will come across this way to others. Feeling good about yourself is essential if you are to be happy in life and make the most out of life. It can make the difference of you being successful or failing, and it is in your hands.

People suffer from low self-esteem for many reasons, and if they have been brought up perceiving only negative aspects to themselves, then developing a positive self-image will be difficult, but not impossible. Developing a positive outlook is about changing your thoughts and feelings about yourself and if you have been thinking negative thoughts for a long time changing the habit will take some time.

However by creating a new way of thinking and sticking to this new way of self-perception you will eventually banish unwanted negative feelings and will automatically replace them with positive ones in your day to day life. When this happens your outlook changes and with your outlook, you change. Where once you might have thought something would be beyond your capabilities you will now look at it in a different light and begin to realize that having a strong personality is within your grasp.

There are many ways to develop a more positive self-image and esteem. There are self-help books available dedicated to the subject, audio sessions which you listen and follow, DVDS, hypnotherapy audio or attending coaching sessions. They all however rely basically on the same principle, understanding what confidence really is, gaining confidence in yourself, ridding yourself of negative beliefs and replacing them with positive ones and learning strategies which allow you to remain confident in any situation.

The basics behind developing a more positive outlook and self-image are:

• Thinking about the positive aspects of your self-image and understanding what they mean to you;
• Getting to know yourself better, recognizing your strengths and building on those strengths;
• Moving forward and constantly changing negative thoughts into more positive ones;
• Reflecting on what you have learned and seeing the positive changes you are making to your life, and feeling pride.

We all talk to ourselves at one time or another and we may find ourselves continually putting ourselves down and are very slow to praise ourselves. We are doing to ourselves the same nasty, discouraging lack of appreciation our parents did to us! This must be changed now. We want to change unhelpful self-talk and replace it with positive and encouraging self-talk.
The easiest way to do this is by:

• Getting rid of irrational thoughts (“I’m always the worst”) and replace them with rational ones
• Replace negative thoughts and feelings with positive images
• Give yourself credit and be proud of your accomplishments
• Repeat positive affirmations to yourself when needed throughout the day

You need to be consistent in replacing negative appreciations with positive ones….In this way, you will balance the weight of past critiques with appreciation and self-esteem, which in turn will make doing great things possible!

VI.- Hearing from the abuser himself: how does it feel to discover that you hurt your loved ones?

What happens when the abusive husband realizes that his behavior has been hurtful to the same people he loves?  It doesn’t happen very frequently, but here we have a wonderful case taken from a good internet forum called: “Women’s emotional abuse support group:”

“I am an emotionally abusive husband…  and I joined this group not for myself, but for my family and maybe anyone here  that might want an abusive husband’s point of view on things. My wife and I  have been married for almost 19 years, and we have had a difficult marriage.

Her son from her previous marriage had ADHD and other behavioral issues that was  very difficult to deal with. Throughout our marriage I disagreed with the way  she handled his behavior and I began to take out my frustration on her and her (our) son very early in the relationship. When I would get especially angry I would shut down and not talk to her for about a week. I was more verbally abusive towards our son and treated him like he was nothing.

It got to the point several years ago where I would just up and leave when I was angry, not telling anyone where I was going or when I would be back or that I was even going. I made it clear to my wife that I didn’t think our marriage stood a chance after our children (we had two children together during this time) left the house. When I would calm down everything would be back to normal and what seemed like a loving relationship. I never apologized because I never believed that what I was doing was wrong. I thought that I was just dealing with things my own way.

Last year I was taking a class and the professor was discussing the role of men in society and how it is not accepted to show anything but anger and for some reason, something clicked. I realized over the next day or two that all the things that were wrong in my life, mainly my wife and older son, which I  had completely blamed on them, was my fault. I talked to my wife a few days later and apologized for what I had done.

I talked to my son and apologized. I was put on antidepressants a month later because I was so devastated by what I had done and how I had treated my wife and son, and our two other children who I thought had been shielded by my actions. It has been almost a year since I heard the “pop” (the sound of my head coming out of my ass) and our marriage is still intact although we are still having a hard time coming to terms with what I have done.

My perception on everything changed that one week and I haven’t been angry with my family or anyone else. I have a more positive attitude about everything. I love my family and I am doing everything I can to build my wife’s self esteem that I have destroyed over the years. I don’t know if I can offer any help to anyone, especially since I am the enemy. If the members of this group do not want me here, I understand completely and will quit the group. I am truly sorry for what I have done and I am truly sorry to all of you who have been betrayed by your husbands and boyfriends.”

Rick

And here is what “Marilyn,” one of the group’s members, answers to Rick:

“Hi Rick,

Congratulations on the realization that you were an abusive husband/father. It takes a revelation to understand it and a big man to admit it.

Have you figured out what abusive behaviors you took on while you were in abuse mode? They are all about control. When you walked away or didn’t speak to them you were with holding normal affection and interaction. With holding is a really big form of control. This put ~you~ and only ~you~ in control of when others can talk to you… if only to discuss the school schedule of your children.

Then there was that feeling of entitlement. You were entitled to be angry, not speak to others and verbally abuse a child who had enough problems already.

I am sorry if I’m being hard here, but unless you realize that this type of behavior has names you can not recognize it if it happens again. It is just as hard to admit you did this as it is for a woman to admit that her husband has done this to her and that SHE ALLOWED IT…by not leaving the marriage. My realization that I allowed my husband to abuse me was the hardest thing for me to get over.

Now you have to deal with the repercussions of your family. 19 year of doing and one year of stopping. This one year is good. So how can you help your wife and children overcome the self esteem beatings you gave them?

I have a few ideas:

What does your wife love to do that in the past you were afraid of? I was a social butterfly and my ex made it uncomfortable for any of my friends to come around. This caused me to be isolated. Have you isolated your wife from friends and social activities that she may have enjoyed? If so encourage her to take part in them…WITHOUT YOU. Let her be herself with your blessings.

My bf helped me overcome the self esteem  issues I had with my ex. He tells me all the time that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Then he backs that up with “If you try your best and fail you’re still a winner for trying your best.”  He encourages me in every business adventure I try.

Your children:
What do they love to do? Can you encourage them to take part in those things….drive them there, be there while they learn.

I have ADD. It doesn’t go away with age. In my case I walk around in circles and have difficulty starting and finishing jobs. Can you help your son to focus?

There are many things you can do to undo the damage. Speak the truth. Tell them all how much you love them and how much you are proud of them, show it. This will go a long way in their being willing to open up to “trust” you again. Let them know they can trust you to tell them the truth… especially about how much you love them.

Encourage your wife and children to go to counseling without you. You can probably do with some good counseling too. Counseling helps us understand who we are, what our goals are and helps us to get there by helping us feel what we need to feel and do what we need to do.”

Marilyn

This is an extraordinary post! We rarely find the voice of the abuser. People use lots of defensive mechanism for ignoring or blinding themselves to the impact that their nasty behaviors can have on those around them. Of course, the reasons for the denial:

Having to acknowledge that you are not behaving in a loving, caring way and that you are doing emotional damage instead is a serious discovery that challenges a person’s self-esteem. Who am I, a person that can hurt those people he loves? This is such a painful discovery that a man like Rick went on anti-depressants after he realized how his actions had affected those around him.

If your partner came to this realization, how would you react?

VII.- Learn How to Stop All Abuse Now

Here’s a statistic that will grab your attention: According to the FBI, 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. Sexual abuse is a prevalent and ever-occurring social issue, and absolutely necessary to focus on. Here’s another one: According to Women’s College Hospital, in a study of 1,000 women 15 years of age or older, 36% experienced emotional abuse while growing up; 43% had experienced some form of abuse as children or adolescents; 39% reported experiencing emotional abuse in a relationship in the past five years. If sexual and emotional abuse are so prevalent among women of all ages, what can be done to stop it, and to heal it?

The truth is that however strong a victim may look on the outside, abuse leaves deep emotional scars that the victims themselves are unaware of. Those scars can affect anything from how one interacts with others to how one dresses to what one eats to how far one aims to go in life.

Here are some things you can do if you are being emotionally or sexually abused, or if you have been in the past:

  • Recognize the trauma long lasting effects; don’t ignore them;

  • Educate yourself about the consequences of past abuse on your general health;

  • Learn how to recognize the signs and symptoms of abuse (sometimes what “abuse” is can be hard to recognize)

  • Be patient with yourself; give yourself time to process emotional outbursts and icky situations (instead of pushing them away and blocking off your mind) so that they don’t create toxic energy in your mind.

You can also order your copy of “EMOTIONAL ABUSE”  in order to learn more tips and techniques that will help you grow your self-esteem, take hold of and accept your past, and even confront your abuser. You don’t have to live with abuse for a single day; nor do you have to suffer alone under the memory of it.

If you would prefer to have a private, one-on-one phone session with a conflict coach well-versed in handling emotional abuse, you can visit my blog to learn more about a free coaching session.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her coaching site to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Visit the calendar and schedule your free call today.

When He Has a Rage Attack, Do You Get Afraid of Him?

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If he does a sudden rage attack, do you go into fright? how much does it scare you?

In the middle of any conversation, your husband suddenly gets really upset…and in a short time, he is yelling and cursing at you.

Does your husband yells at you when he gets mad?

 

Of course, it takes you by surprise! the issue you were discussing was not life or death, and was developing in a casual way…suddenly, a button is pressed and you have a full blown anger attack in front of you.

I’m here not suggesting to discover what was the psychological issue that got involuntarily triggered…what I  want to focus on is on your fright. Suddenly, from a silly domestic conversation, you are thrown in to an unexpected state of war. Surprise, shock and fear  keep you paralyzed while he shouts insults at you…who is this person attacking you?

Even one episode of sudden rage attack can be very damaging to you. The receiver of such attack has no defenses, and gets inundated by fear hormones that take a very long time to dissipate…You can feel scared, fearful and numb. Even if he manages to stop, and apologize to you, the fear attack is in your system and keeps breaking havoc in your defenses. 

When you can breathe again, there is a lot of work to be done to recover your emotional health. You can ask yourself some questions. Answering yes to a majority of them most likely indicates that you need a break from the toxicity of this marriage:

  • Do you doubt your own memory or sense of reality after the attack? (“It wasn’t so bad”)
  • Do you doubt your own judgment about what’s best for you? (“I need to be patient with him”)
  • Do you often feel unsafe, as if harm could come to you at any moment? (“I’m concerned about my security”)
  • Do you feel that you can’t do anything or go anywhere without their permission? (“It’s better to avoid his anger”)
  • Do you feel depressed, dejected or like there is no point in being alive? (“I don’t care about anything”)
  • And the most important question: Do you feel afraid of your partner?

If you answered yes to many of these, especially the last one, you probably need to leave your partner for the time being. Leaving your partner for the time you set down will give you the chance to discover how deeply you are wounded, what it will take to heal, and whether it’s even worth the emotional challenge of staying in the marriage.

Where can you go? When you take a break from your home and abuser, you can seek the shelter of friends and family (especially if you’ve been isolated from them), and they will be able to give you feedback about who you are and how loved you are, instead of abusive feedback about your “mistakes.” This would also be a good time to reconnect with what you’re capable of and what you can do with your life, today on.

Leaving sends your abuser a signal of zero-tolerance. The responsibility to change then rests on your partner – the ball is in his court. Will he change? Is being in a relationship with you more important than allowing himself to explode? If he refuses his own responsibility in your fright, it adds to the possibility of more serious damage in the future. At the least, you need him to accept that there is something wrong he needs to take care of, and seek external professional help to solve. And get some support for yourself, as to heal the hurt of watching your loved partner becoming an angry monster ready to pounce on you.

If you wish to read more, we have a book recommendation for you: When Love Hurts

We wish you courage to face this difficult situation and find a way to recover your self-respect!

How to Respond to an Abusive, Screaming Man

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You never married a screaming man, did you?

Oh, no, your boyfriend was a normal, caring person talking to you with respect…that is why you married him! So now, why is he transformed into this raging man? What happened to him that now you are shocked by his anger explosions?

There is a process that takes you from that sweet time of starting a love story with him, to now. You had this intense love affair where you felt smothered by his strong love and need for you….so getting together was the most exciting part of your life. All this time, he was gentle, patient and understanding… and you felt secure in this relationship. You even believed that he was attentive and interested to listen and solve your needs.

Who is this man now?

You are probably surprised to watch him suddenly acting as if he is always right (and if he has a suspicion that he’s not, it’s your “fault” and you’re “just out to get him”). If now he perceives you as confronting or criticizing him, (or worst, putting him down!) because you ask him only about what’s wrong, he can be even more enraged. 

You are starting to discover his deep insecurity, which will demand a show of anger to put the sacred order of marriage with him on top in place again. He is always right, remember? Later on, with more personal learning, you will see your husband attaching himself to the male brotherhood trying to impose their personal model of primal masculinity on their wives, so as to get the primacy in marriage. They believe that male leadership is imposed with violence, and not with integrity and respect.

If you move from asking what’s wrong to confronting him, he will transform this normal conversation into a serious offense, and will resort to yell and fight in messy anger explosions in order to get what he wants, (to silence you just now) especially when it seems like he is losing the battle to get his wish.

It is important to keep in mind that you may encounter this type of loud and angry attack, when trying to confront your husband for the first time, when having to set some limits to his behaviors in order to preserve your integrity, or when trying to take a break from the relationship. Knowing that, do you feel the need to find some help for relationship?

Many women are shocked the first time their husband screams, name calls or insults them. He is angry, shouting and facing her down with his entire wrath. Let’s remember this first shock of yours; it is the first indication that the promise of marriage (“to be together to love and respect each other”) was not his soul truth, but only words.

As a spouse, you have to feel shocked, hurt and totally blindsided by this attack. There is no way we can cover up and deny the total effect of this aggression on us. It is sudden, unexpected, and leaves us with a sour taste afterwards. But how do we make sense of this aggression in the midst of a marriage we deem happy? How do we recover the lost sense of security being with him, when you don’t know if this terrible anger episode will repeat itself? Unfortunately, almost by mandate, we immediately run to forget the incident or make excuses for his behavior. We do this either because we fear the unknown aspects of his anger, or are unable to address them, and so we choose denial by saying: “he was stressed out; too tired; under a lot of pressure, etc.”

This is the first mistake: not taking this violation of interpersonal limits seriously, and so, absorbing rather than deflecting the abuse. Remember that you must respond to his anger, and never ignore it as if it is “ok.” If you ignore it and make excuses for your abuser, he will succeed in controlling you. An anger attack on an unsuspecting partner is abuse, and qualifies in the same line as either emotional or physical abuse. It is experienced as a violation of boundaries: as an abusive interaction. When this boundary is crossed your precious trust in your partner is gone. It’s true that you get emotionally hurt with his verbal violence, but there is not outside bodily mark of his anger on your body… “only” on your soul, which is a lot to suffer!

There are many ways that you can respond to an abusive and screaming man. Of course you can scream back, but this does not help you communicate past his defense of “make noise and hope it scares my enemy off.” 

Responding in a healthy way means first being able to recognize in time his “anger cues”:


Physical: tensing muscles, clenching fists, jaw tightens, agitation;
Behavioral: raise voice, stand up tight, fix his eyes on you, breathe short and shallow, leave theroom, yell, pound the walls, slam doors.
Emotional: feelings of being abandoned, discounted, disrespected, guilty, humiliated,impatient, insecure, jealous, afraid, or rejected.
Verbal: “righteous anger thinking,” repetitive claims about injustice, constant self-talk about victimization, “all the world, including his wife” attacking him.

How do you react after seeing an anger attack coming (watching two or more of the above cues)?

Can you remember that he is doing a show of anger in order to scare you into submission? If so, then:

1.- Leave the situation and/or house

Yes! Leaving sends the message that you’re not going to sit there and be a willing audience. The truth is that he needs you in a vital role: to be the intimidated spectator of his rage attack. If you leave, probably having this attack is not so much fun because the purpose, (to intimidate you into submission) will not be achieved. So, he needs you there, even if he needs to feign that he is ever-so-sorry about shouting and yelling at you later.

Remember that if he has your undivided, scared attention, then he can go full blown into the attack: nostrils flaring, screaming and cursing you for all his problems, fixing his eyes on you so as to see how scared you are (meaning that he is successful, and you will not leave him), and if you seem not scared enough, then escalating into slamming doors and punching walls. He can make also a show of breaking things, probably your most cherished household things as to teach you a lesson and prevent having you “enraging him” in the future.

2.-Leave emotionally (detach)

If you had some kind of psychological support, as in having a coach, or a good friend, you could get the resiliency necessary to care for yourself first. Here, you need to create a special mantra to protect your mind along this trial by fire. To save your sanity you need to repeat to yourself:

“He is choosing to have now an anger attack. It’s his decision and nothing of what I have done to him warrants this attack, directed to me but triggered by who knows what from his past. I can stand here, and wait until he is finished, because this is the safer spot in the house now. Once he is finished, I will make better plans to protect myself and the children.”

Meanwhile, if you have to hear his ranting along… try to detach yourself of his words and the content of the words he is saying. Keep repeating:

“Nothing of what I have done to him warrants this attack, directed to me but triggered by who knows what from his past,” several times.

Breath deeply and detach, trying to look at this unleashed fury as it you were in a theater watching a powerful, but alien performance. It’s not with you, has nothing to do with you and you’re better off watching without engagement. Watch out to any guilty feelings you can have, and decide to ignore them…you are not guilty of enraging him; he is doing it by himself.

3.- Stand up to him (if it’s safe)

There are varying opinions on whether to fight back (meaning confront/take a stand, not shouting back). Some people feel that it is important to stand up for yourself and show that you won’t be pushed around. Others claim that this may subject you to greater violence. You can say, in a normal voice:

“Please, lower your voice, I need to hear what is bothering you; if you shout, I can’t hear you.”

Knowing your own strength and your husband’s personality will tell you whether fighting back will benefit or harm you. Avoid screaming back or shouting back, because that will endanger you, and can prompt more violence.

There is no big win here, so select the behavior that will you help you be safer, not the most heroic. Remember, your aim is to survive this outburst with minimum damage, so let it go!

4.- Take care of the children

If you have kids pay attention to their behavior. Every child reacts differently to anger explosions. You could have even one imitating such behavior. It’s highly recommended to seek for professional help for them immediately. It’s not just your personal security and health which is at risk, but theirs as well. The impact on their emotional well being of being scared by anger attacks will not be activated perhaps until adulthood, but it will be there. And the consequences for them will be a general fear of life, and/or a permanent sense of insecurity in the world.

What is that you want for yourself:

  • A place of honor and respect?
  • A way to be appreciated and understood?

Only you can use the energy from that repressed wish of yours to crawl from under abuse and recover your life! Do you want help with this life-saving project?  You can always reach out to my book: Emotional Abuse

And remember that you can get connected here, tell your story and get responses also, because we care about you! Wishing you the best in life!

Does your husband beat you when you are successful?

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DID YOU GET HIS HOSTILE RESPONSE WHEN YOU HAD A LITTLE SUCCESS?

It takes time and some distance from the violent situation, to get our heads in order…

Living under domestic violence is not easy in the brain, because we are living under constant stress….and it clouds sound judgment.

It was only after several of the same incidents, that my inner voice said: “Wait a minute, there is a pattern here!”

It happens that, finally I was connecting the dots:

  • Every time I tell him something positive happening to me, or about my success, I get his hostile reaction…
  • Even more: the more success I get, the more aggression he shows…

How can this startling reaction be happening?

Or, in other words: does your husband beat you more, and exhibits more aggression exactly when you are successful?

Do you remember a time when you came back home sharing a positive comment received?

Some real appreciation, as a raise? Or an honor, like receiving a diploma, with your name on it?

Here is my story: I was beginning to get teaching assignments, at a local private small university…for little money.

It was the start of my teaching career what made this piece of paper significant… I was finally teaching at university level!

So, I get the invitation to attend a ceremony, where we new faculty will get recognized…and get our teaching diplomas!

Of course, I told about this event at home…planning how I was going to get dressed (do I need new shoes?) and very excited…

when I could watch the somber mood of my husband.

He began immediately accusing me of exploiting this opportunity to explore how to be unfaithful! and very fast he was beating my face.

I ended up receiving my diploma using dark glasses..but I went anyway.

He was making me pay for this small step towards my professional success…or financial independence.

Later on, I understood he was threatened by my steady walking towards developing my professional self.

For him, it meant I was leaving behind a traditional role of obedient wife, and he resented me for that. He imagined that the house would be abandoned, that I would not cook anymore for him, on the surface.

I understood that he was afraid of me getting to be more successful than what he was in his own life. There was a competition going on!

The more you develop yourself and explore what you are good at, beyond home duties, you walk into dangerous territory…

because hubby will feel threatened by this new woman, who is not the same person he married…

But we have a duty to develop ourselves, both men and women…

If he does not accept your right to self-development, and you dare to show how much fun you are having because you are becoming a real adult person in the world, the more punishment you will get.

Horrible, right?

I hope you have a different hubby, that can feel proud of his wife because you are progressing and learning and maturing:

a husband that is your partner in developing personally and not a jailer and controller, who thinks each one of your steps means an attack,

or a dirty competition destined to leave him in the dust.

And there is more: there is a scale by which a bit of rebellion gets a bit of punishment, but a larger step ahead gets a lot…

Are you connecting now the fact of leaving the marriage (and going to the shelter) with the real possibility of the husband killing you?

Sadly, this is the moment when more women get killed by their own husbands…To say it clearly: if you are married to a guy that is falling behind, not excelling in his occupation, and feeling jealous of what you can do (at the same time shouldering domestic work and the kids…), each step towards your personal development will be an insult to him. Another opportunity to feel rage because he is “postponed” “not-recognized” and “abandoned” by his wife when she goes to work each morning!

I don’t have a magic formula to protect you. What I want here to do is alert you to the risks of growing faster than him, if he is a resentful person who will attack you at each step forward you do.

This is the lesson…you need to know how and when you share with him any information about your success. You need to moderate your satisfaction, hide your joy and cover up any reasons for him to feel postponed. You can use a simple trick: to  get him his share of the recognition and praise: “you helped me get to this point..”

Of course, if this is too much emotional work to do, only to keep his ego quiet and not becoming a threat for you, then don’t do it. Otherwise, you will know that this is the time to prepare -step by step- a safe exit from this empty relationship and go your own way.

In this case, I wish you a safe, careful and well-planned exit!

Coach Nora

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What is the cost of living with personal conflict?

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You hear it all the time. If you’ve got a problem you can’t solve, get a professional. In other words, if you’ve got a conflict you can’t solve, you seek out a conflict coach, a mediator, a therapist, or counselor. Even when you can use some advice from a good book, there is always the need of external support.

Many of us balk at these choices because we see them as things other people do, other people who don’t know how to help themselves. This is probably the wrong mindset…because we tend to deny the personal impact of an unhappy, or worst, a violent marriage. Take some minutes to use this chart and evaluate where you are now…it will help you clarify your situation and reach some decisions.

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