Facts about abuse

Does your husband beat you when you are successful?

December 9, 2018 by Nora Femenia Leave a Comment

It takes time and some distance from the violent situation, to get our heads in order…

Living under domestic violence is not easy in the brain, because we are living under constant stress….and it clouds sound judgment.

It was only after several of the same incidents, that my inner voice said: “Wait a minute, there is a pattern here!”

It happens that, finally I was connecting the dots:

Each time I tell him something positive, that is a success for me, I get his hostile reaction…
Even more: the more success I get, the more aggression he shows…

How can this startling reaction be happening?

Or, in other words: does your husband beat you more, and exhibits more aggression exactly when you are successful?

Do you remember a time when you came back home sharing a positive comment received?

Some real appreciation, as a raise? Or an honor, like receiving a diploma, with your name on it?

Here is my story: I was beginning to get teaching assignments, at a local private small university…for little money.

It was the start of my teaching career what made this piece of paper significant… I was finally teaching at university level!

So, I get the invitation to attend a ceremony, where we new faculty will get recognized…and get our teaching diplomas!

Of course, I told about this event at home…planning how I was going to get dressed (do I need new shoes?) and very excited…

when I could watch the somber mood of my husband.

He began immediately accusing me of exploiting this opportunity to explore how to be unfaithful! and very fast he was beating my face.

I ended up receiving my diploma using dark glasses..but I went anyway.

He was making me pay for this small step towards my professional success…or financial independence.

Later on, I understood he was threatened by my steady walking towards developing my professional self.

For him, it meant I was leaving behind a traditional role of obedient wife, and he resented me for that. He imagined that the house would be abandoned, that I would not cook anymore for him, on the surface.

I understood that he was afraid of me getting to be more successful than what he was in his own life. There was a competition going on!

The more you develop yourself and explore what you are good at, beyond home duties, you walk into dangerous territory…

because hubby will feel threatened by this new woman, who is not the same person he married…

But we have a duty to develop ourselves, both men and women…

If he does not accept your right to self-development, and you dare to show how much fun you are having because you are becoming a real adult person in the world, the more punishment you will get.

Horrible, right?

I hope you have a different hubby, that can feel proud of his wife because you are progressing and learning and maturing:

a husband that is your partner in developing personally and not a jailer and controller, who thinks each one of your steps means an attack,

or a dirty competition destined to leave him in the dust.

And there is more: there is a scale by which a bit of rebellion gets a bit of punishment, but a larger step ahead gets a lot…

Are you connecting now the fact of leaving the marriage (and going to the shelter) with the real possibility of the husband killing you?

Sadly, this is the moment when more women get killed by their own husbands…To say it clearly: if you are married to a guy that is falling behind, not excelling in his occupation, and feeling jealous of what you can do (at the same time shouldering domestic work and the kids…), each step towards your personal development will be an insult to him. Another opportunity to feel rage because he is “postponed” “not-recognized” and “abandoned” by his wife when she goes to work each morning!

I don’t have a magic formula to protect you. What I want here to do is alert you to the risks of growing faster than him, if he is a resentful person who will attack you at each step forward you do.

This is the lesson…you need to know how and when you involve him in any information about your success. You need to moderate your satisfaction, hide your joy and cover up any reasons for him to feel postponed. You can use a simple trick: to get him his share of the recognition and praise: “you helped me get to this point..”

Of course, if this is too much emotional work to do, only to keep his ego quiet and not becoming a threat for you, then don’t do it. Otherwise, you will know that this is the time to prepare -step by step- a safe exit from this empty relationship and go your own way.

In this case, I wish you a safe, careful and well-planned exit!

Coach Nora

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A woman with bruises and bloody lip

How to Respond to a Screaming Man

January 30, 2018 by Neil Warner Leave a Comment

You never married an screaming man, did you?

Oh, no, your boyfriend was a normal, caring person talking to you with respect...that is why you married him! So now, why is he transformed into this raging man? What happened to him that now you are shocked by his anger explosions?

To begin, we can say that part of the abuser’s mind frame is that he is always right (and if he has a suspicion that he’s not, it’s your “fault” and you’re “just out to get him”). If he perceives you as confronting or criticizing him, (or worst, putting him down!) his insecurity will demand a show of anger to put the sacred order of marriage in place again. He is always right, remember?

If confronted, he will transform a conversation in an offense, and will resort to yell and fight in messy anger explosions in order to get what he wants, especially when it seems like he is losing the battle to get it.

It is important to keep in mind that you may encounter this type of loud and angry attack, when trying to confront your abuser for the first time, setting some limits to his behaviors in order to preserve your integrity, or when trying to take a break from the relationship.

[ Want to learn more? "Overcoming Emotional Abuse Course"]

Many women are shocked the first time their husband screams, name calls or insults them. He is angry, shouting and facing her down with his entire wrath. Let’s remember this shock; it is the first indication that the promise of marriage (“to be together to love and respect each other”) was not taken seriously, but was only words.

As a spouse, you have to feel shocked, hurt and totally blindsided by his attack. There is no way we can cover up and deny the total effect of this aggression on us. It is sudden, unexpected, and leaves us with a sour taste afterwards. But how do we make sense of this aggression in the midst of a marriage we deem happy? How do we recover the lost sense of security being with him, when you don’t know if this terrible anger episode will repeat itself? Unfortunately, almost by mandate, we immediately run to forget the incident or make excuses for his behavior. We do this either because we fear the unknown aspects of his anger, or are unable to address them, and so we choose denial by saying: “he was stressed out; too tired; under a lot of pressure, etc.”

This is the first mistake: not taking this violation of interpersonal limits seriously, and so, absorbing rather than deflecting the abuse. Remember that you must respond to his anger, and never ignore it as if it is “ok.” If you ignore it and make excuses for your abuser, he will succeed in controlling you. An anger attack on an unsuspecting partner is abuse, and qualifies in the same line as either emotional or physical abuse. It is experienced as a violation of boundaries: as an abusive interaction. When crossing this boundary, your automatic trust in your partner is gone. It’s true that you get deeply emotional hurt with verbal violence, but there is not outside bodily mark of his anger on your body… “only” on your soul, which is a lot to suffer!

There are many ways that you can respond to an abusive and screaming man. Of course you can scream back, but this does not help you communicate past his defense of “make noise and hope it scares my enemy off.”Responding in a healthy way means being able to recognize his “anger cues”:

Physical: tensing muscles, clenching fists, jaw tightens, agitation;
Behavioral: raise voice, stand up tight, fix his eyes on you, breathe short and shallow, leave the room, yell, pound the walls, slam doors.
Emotional: feelings of being abandoned, discounted, disrespected, guilty, humiliated, impatient, insecure, jealous, afraid, or rejected.

Verbal: “righteous anger thinking,” repetitive claims about injustice, constant self-talk about victimization, "all the world" attacking him.

How do you react after seeing an anger attack coming (watching two or more of the above cues)?

1.- Leave the situation and/or house

Yes! Leaving sends the message that you’re not going to sit there and be a willing audience. The truth is that he needs you in a vital role: to be the intimidated spectator of his rage attack. If you leave, probably having this attack is not so much fun because the purpose, (to intimidate you into submission) will not be achieved. So, he needs you there, even if he needs to feign that he is ever-so-sorry about shouting and yelling at you.

Remember that if he has your undivided, scared attention, then he can go full blown into the attack: nostrils flaring, screaming and cursing you for all his problems, fixing his eyes on you so as to see how scared you are (meaning that he is successful, and you will not leave), and if you seem not scared enough, then escalating into slamming doors and pouncing against walls. He can make also a show of breaking things, probably the most cherished household things as to teach you a lesson and avoid having you “enraging him” in the future.

2.-Leave emotionally (detach)

You need to have a special mantra to protect you along this trial by fire. You need to repeat to yourself:

“He is choosing to have now an anger attack. It’s his decision and nothing of what I have done to him warrants this attack, directed to me but triggered by who knows what from his past. I can stand here, and wait until he is finished, because this is the safer spot in the house now. Once he is finished, I will make better plans to protect myself and the children.”

Meanwhile, if you have to hear his ranting along… try to detach yourself of his words and the content of the words he is saying. Keep repeating:

“Nothing of what I have done to him warrants this attack, directed to me but triggered by who knows what from his past,” several times.

Breath deeply and detach, trying to look at this unleashed fury as it you were in a theater watching a powerful, but alien performance. It’s not with you, has nothing to do with you and you’re better off watching without engagement. Watch out to any guilty feelings you can have, and decide to ignore them...you are not guilty of enraging him; he is doing it by himself.

3.- Stand up to him (if it’s safe)

There are varying opinions on whether to fight back (meaning confront/take a stand, not shouting back). Some people feel that it is important to stand up for yourself and show that you won’t be pushed around. Others claim that this may subject you to greater violence. You can say, in a normal voice:

"Please, lower your voice, I need to hear what is bothering you; if you shout, I can't hear you."

Knowing your own strength and your husband’s personality will tell you whether fighting back will benefit or harm you. Avoid screaming back or shouting back, because that will endanger you, and can prompt more violence.

There is no big win here, so select the behavior that will you help you be safer, not the most heroic. Remember, your aim is to survive this outburst with minimum damage, so let it go!

4.- Take care of the children

If you have kids pay attention to their behavior. Every child reacts differently to anger explosions. You could have even one imitating such behavior. It’s highly recommended to seek for professional help for them immediately. It’s not just your personal security and health which is at risk, but theirs as well. The impact on their emotional well being of being scared by anger attacks will not be activated perhaps until adulthood, but it will be there. And the consequences for them will be a general fear of life, and/or a permanent sense of insecurity in the world.

What is that you want for yourself:

A place of honor and respect?
A way to be appreciated and understood?

Only you can use the energy of that repressed wish to crawl from under abuse and recover your life! Do you want help with this life-saving project? Here is my book: Healing Emotional Abuse

And remember that you can get connected here, tell your story and get responses also, because we care about you! Wishing you the best in life!

What is the cost of living with personal conflict?

November 5, 2017 by Neil Warner Leave a Comment

You hear it all the time. If you’ve got a problem you can’t solve, get a professional. In other words, if you’ve got a conflict you can’t solve, you seek out a conflict coach, a mediator, a therapist, or counselor.

Many of us balk at these choices because we see them as things other people do, other people who don’t know how to help themselves. This is probably the wrong mindset…because we tend to deny the personal impact of an unhappy, or worst, a violent marriage. Take some minutes to use this chart and evaluate where you are now…it will help you clarify your situation and reach some decisions.

Am I Being Abused?

October 16, 2017 by Nora Femenia Leave a Comment

How to Know if You are Being Abused Now?

This question may have crossed your mind a time or two. Try this Abuse Screening List. Look over the following questions.

Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, abuse doesn’t have to be physical!

When one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse!

One or two checks doesn’t necessarily indicate abuse, but might give you pause to think about working on the relationship.

Does (or has) your partner…
_____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
_____ Slowly isolated you from your family and friends?
_____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
_____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
_____ Threaten to hurt your children if you do not do what they say?
_____ Threaten your pet if you don’t comply with their wants or desires?
_____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
_____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?
_____ Treat you roughly – grab, push pinch, shove or hit you?
_____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
_____ Made you totally dependent on them economically?
_____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
_____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
_____ Refusing to give you or your children medical and dental care?
_____ Force you to have an abortion?
_____ Preventing you from going to church and participating in church activities?
_____ Restrict you’re your access to the children?
_____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
_____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?
_____ Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with your friends or family?
_____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?
_____ Make you take drugs or alcohol?
_____ If you need assistive devices such as a cane or wheelchair, are they taken out of reach?

For those in Domestic Discipline Relationships:
____ Are standards set so high you usually fall short of them?
_____ Are you punished in anger?
_____ Are punishments too severe for the offense?
_____ Are your mistakes not expained to you?
_____ Are you treated a child?
_____ Is affection withdrawn as punishment?

And for those that are in to the B & D and S & M of BDSM:
_____ Are hard limits ignored?
_____ Is safety ignored?
_____ Is there no effort made to resolve conflict after a problematic session?
_____ Is there no aftercare given?
_____ Are you just used as a `object’ on which your partner takes out their anger?
_____ Has your partner tried to force you into sexual situations with others?
_____ Are your needs as a submissive/slave ignored?
_____ Has your partner ever used scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

The following are Indications of MAJOR Abuse. Counseling is recommended for anyone that can answer YES to any of the following questions.

Do you…
_____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
_____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
_____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
_____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
_____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
_____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
_____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
_____ Doubt your own judgment even in small decisions?
_____ Always doubt your memory of the way things happened because of what he says?
_____ Feel increasingly trapped and powerless?
_____ Have you thought of suicide?
_____ Have you thought of murdering your partner as a way out?

Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you still feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist should be considered a substitute for counseling.

If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now!

Courtesy of the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Learn to identify abuse when it happens

August 4, 2017 by Nora Femenia Leave a Comment

I.- LEARN TO THINK OF ABUSE AS CONTROL

In a basic way, we can say that emotional abuse has to do with control. Someone is emotionally abusive when they try to exert control over someone else, in a way that produces pain (physical or emotional). Of course, it is easier to see first the pain and humiliation aspects of being controlled by another as a grown up (not a child any more), but the fact is that the two aspects go together. We can see the emotional abuse causing suffering, (from the abused person’s experience) but in the end, it is one part of the couple who wants to be able to control behaviors, thoughts and emotions of the other person, in any way possible.

When dishing out emotional abuse, the abuser will take whatever they know is a weak spot for the other person, and use it against them. For example, your abuser might:

Remember a confession from you, done in an environment of trust, and twist it
Bring up embarrassing childhood (or current) insecurities
Publicly humiliate you about eating habits, ways of speaking, your attire, etc
Insult your intelligence
Critique your sexual performance
Guilt-trip you about your parenting skills

Insults, criticism and threats are connected with this weak spot, in this way your abuser devalues you as a person and tries to take away your self-esteem. Conveniently for the abuser, you may also be made to lose trust in others, which keeps you close at your abuser’s side and away from family or friends. So, you are disconnected from people who could reinforce your self-esteem.

In each instance, because your partner adopts a “I’m better than you, so I can critique you” attitude, it creates an environment where you are subservient to their “superiority.” Because, they say they know better or their decisions are better, or say whatever puts you in the inferior position, you have to begin training yourself on the basic idea:

They are no better because they say so, or because someone has decided they have to have control of everything in the marriage, primarily you and your own life and decisions: THEY ARE ONLY SAYING SO!

Now, repeat with me:

“HE SAYS THAT HE KNOWS BEST, AND MY JOB EACH TIME IS TO DECIDE IF I BELIEVE HIM OR NOT”

What he is doing, is framing his control as part and parcel of the marriage deal…If, in his frame, the man has always the power and authority to control the female, he is only doing what is “natural” and “normal.”

In the end, it is only his belief; there are no rules written in heaven that say that you must submit against your good sense. Our job here is to challenge this frame, first by not accepting it as a God-given reality…not all husbands control their wives, right?

Challenging his frame: What you do, is ask yourself:

Why is it that he needs to control me by abusive means?
If I did not provoke him, where is this behavior coming from?
What makes him so insecure he needs to resort to abuse?

KEEP asking yourself those questions, up until you find the deep answers. It is not that abuse is not wrong; it always is…

Now, you are beginning to use your brain to understand that his “God-given right to control his wife,” could be described as several things:

I’m the only target for his anger which will not retaliate against him (because I have less strength, or more tolerance, etc)

He does it when things go bad in his office and he feels behind, underestimated or humiliated by his colleagues;

Sometimes, seeing me able to think and come up with good ideas scares him, because it makes him feel inferior…(instead of being happy for me, he is competing with me and doesn’t want to acknowledge my intelligence)

He has been treated as insignificant by his family for any reason (gender, age, some disability, etc) and wants now to be the king of this marriage by subduing me…in short, he is compensating HIS own feelings of inferiority by making me feel inferior.

He can’t compete against his male buddies, and then compensates by putting me down, as they put him down before….and so on and so forth

As you can see, as soon as you stop looking at your pain, and watch him and his motivations, you can see that controlling you is a desperate maneuver to feel powerful and in control over something…(of course, the wrong choice!)

What do you do with this knowledge?

FIRST: you stop believing that he has a God-given right to control you. And see his abuse as the most miserable behavior he can do to recover a bit of his self-respect. It never can be real love.

SECOND: the human motivations behind his control are not signals of loving care and attention to your needs, but generated by his fear and insecurity

THIRD: you have ways of managing his abuse, by just knowing that he is not powerful, but a pitiful person (or child) hiding his insecurities behind a projected powerful and menacing persona he creates only to scare you into submission.

3.- POINTS TO REMEMBER

1.- As soon as you realize his motivations, you get empowered: he is not your master, but a weak person oblivious to the fact that his insecurity is damaging both of you.

2.- Each time you see him doing something abusive, ask yourself:’

‘What is the right, supportive and caring behavior I need/want to have or receive here?”

By telling yourself, you remember what is normal, supportive and nurturing in a relationship, and give yourself permission to hope that you will find it in the near future.

If you want a reminder here, let me share with you the basics of a real, good and healthy marriage:

He consistently values and appreciates you;
Listens and shows interest in you and your projects;
Is compassionate and helpful when you need him to be there for you;
Cares about how you feel, even when you disagree with him;
Shows affection without always expecting sex in return;
Regulates his own baggage: (guilt, anxiety, resentment, anger, depression) without blaming them on you.
Shares everything in the partnership: money, time, household chores, etc. without any complain, as normal.

Once you recognize abuse for what is it : a pathetic attempt to build up his own self-esteem, by controlling your own ideas and creativity, you know that it’s not “love” but insecurity.

You have the choice now to avoid taking seriously whatever negative comment he makes of you, and think: “I must been doing some good things, if he gets scared of my growth…”

You have the choice now to stop expecting appreciation from him and begin developing your own self-esteem…Protect your self and plan how to survive in this challenge and you will emerge with a stronger sense of who you are and what is your life mission!

WISHING YOU THE BEST!

Heal yourself from the impact of abuse

August 3, 2017 by Nora Femenia Leave a Comment

This is why you need to recover your self-esteem

Abuse is a systematic attack on who you are as a person…focused on destroying your self-esteem. Even if you feel down, insignificant and not appreciated by anyone, please, see those aspects as caused by the relentless abuse…and decide that you will fight back.

Only you can do this process, and if you abandon it, the impact results in long lasting damage. We all need to appreciate ourselves, our own person with behaviors and dreams, in order to function in the world. So, decide that regardless the situation you are in, nobody will make you feel better but yourself.

Here we will offer you some ideas, you can start using any of them and then try some of the others…You will feel better about yourself and re-learn to appreciate the wonderful, creative person you deeply are!

1) These are the steps to recovering your self-esteem:

There is a fundamental step you need to fulfill NOW:

EVEN WHEN YOU ARE LIVING IN THE MIDST OF VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE, do recognize that verbal, psychological and emotional abuse behaviors are not about you, you are not responsible of provoking them.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO MERIT, PROVOKE OR DESERVE HIS ABUSE.

Your partner may insult you and use cruel words towards you, but understand that this behavior is a projection of the fantasies of his sick mind, and that his remarks are in no way whatsoever a reflection of the person that you are.

The hurtful emotional manipulations that he plays on you are not truly connected in any way to your merits as a spouse or as a woman.

If anything, those behaviors should actually serve as indicators to you that he is engaged in a power struggle where he feels the need to be “in charge” and is therefore trying to control you by diminishing your value as a spouse and as a person. It is almost an upside- down compliment: the aspects he attacks the most must be your best aspects!

There may be times when he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – insecurities, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate details may be true of you or your personality, every human being has faults, and is unfair to accuse you of them in fights.

Be mindful that in emotional abuse situations they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are within his reach and he knows they have the power to cause you damage.

2) Never see the assaults for anything other than what they really are: a desperate attempt to hide his own vulnerabilities by gaining power over someone else.

Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship. It is, overall, a matter of control. However, this is not a new concept – surely you have already heard from friends or coaching that abuse is all about power.

The important notion to learn after gaining this realization is that when an abuser feels that he is losing his grip (if it appears to him that you are usurping or taking on some of his power), the violence will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s sense of vulnerability.

Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not purely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. In reality, the need for control is a way of expressing a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability. Here, you say to yourself: “What he does to me only reveal how scared and weak he is.”

3) Find the YOU within the assault.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive emotional abuse, but to thrive in the very face of it. Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever he uses against you, you refuse to be defined by the abuse. You draw on your own strength to determine your validity and self-worth. Here, you mantra should be: “I KNOW WHO I AM,”

A) You can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely remembering who you are every day.

This may sound easy, as if you just needed to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror every once in awhile. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you are not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will easily rip you right out.

You can develop your own pep talk. First, write down in a piece of paper your favorite and or most needed affirmations. Here are some examples for you:

“I’m a valuable person who deserves respect.”
“I’m worthy of love and attention.”
“I have power over my own life”
“I completely appreciate and I’m grateful for all my good qualities.”

Then face yourself in the mirror. Not with the purpose of making an inventory of the features you don’t like about your face, but to connect with your subconscious mind. After breathing deeply to be calm, use one of the phrases that you want to impress deeply into your mind. Repeat that sentence to yourself several times, changing your tone of voice, and observe the effect that it has on you. Once you have the tone of voice and the phrase matched to produce the most effect, do the repetition up to 10 times.

Now you know how to reinforce self-esteem… repeat every day for a week at least…and keep the list of your affirmations visible to you so you can remember them frequently. For myself and many others as well, the quest to find yourself starts with contemplative activities or relaxation techniques, such as meditation or yoga. Here are some pointers about these two practices.

4) Learn to use Meditation:

You can learn to cope with the stress of everyday life in your abusive home doing meditation. Meditation may be practiced for many reasons, such as to increase calmness and physical relaxation, to improve psychological balance, to cope with illness, or to enhance overall health and well-being. Today, many people use meditation outside of its traditional religious or cultural settings, only to be centered, improve health and enhance their well-being.

It will diminish the impact of stress on your body, help you center and produce feelings of self-acceptance and contentment. This feeling of contentment and well-being can help you to cope with the difficulties of daily life. Of course, it is not the only solution you can implement to improve your abusive situation, but meditating will allow you to tap your inner center and make you experience your own power. A very difficult situation will become easier to deal with, because you will feel more centered and able to use your resources better.

5) Change your social isolation step by step:

Many a times your abuser tries to socially isolate you so as to make you more dependent on him in order to serve his basic social needs and aspirations. He imposes a series of restrictions and controls to gain control over your social life. It is the abuser who often decides about the persons with whom you will interact and the friends with whom he will socialize. Any external social support system imposes a threat and a challenge to his authority over you.

Your abuser may often deliberately insult your friends and relatives so as to scare them away. He may resort to emotional blackmailing, mood swings, tantrums and denial of communication to impose his will over the victim. He may take recourse to actively spying over the victim and may openly question his loyalty towards the marriage.

This is invariably accompanied by unreasonable demands on her. The chain of events may include checking in on you, depriving you of any means of transportation or communication, inquiring about your daily routine, criticizing your friends and relatives, and so on.

If your situation seems similar to this description, you can take a variety of steps to change it. One of them, for instance, is to get out of the house and engage in an activity in which your husband is not involved. If you do not feel able to find a job, you can start by finding volunteering opportunities in your community. Your children’s school is an excellent place to start because chances are, you will be able to meet other women there. You can also find out if there are charity activities for any cause that you care about, and try to participate.

SHORT GUIDE TO ACTIVITIES YOU CAN DO NOW:

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and lack the financial resources for professional help (my first recommendation for assistance), there are many free resources available as well. In fact, even if you are receiving help from a professional, I recommend pursuing these other routes of help as well, especially those that promote your emotional health.

1) Read

Read from the Internet and from your local library as much as you can about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Learn to identify situations where you have the lesser power, and compile the suggestions others have had for how to handle those situations.

2) Internet chat/communities

In addition to providing you with reading material, the Internet is a great place to connect with other women in your situation. What often happens is that women not only learn from each other what works and what doesn’t, but that their communal support facilitates a sense of strength and empowerment. Reaching out to others and eventually being able to provide them with advice can also help you to develop a larger sense of your own worth, thus increasing your self-esteem and confidence.

3) Reach out to women in your community

That sense of empowerment can also take root through involvement in local agencies that support battered women. Keep the information for agencies in your area handy even if you don’t feel comfortable casually meeting with them. You never know when an emergency may arise.

4) Express yourself

Emotional abuse doesn’t just take a toll on your body and mind; it can also leave you with resentment and poisonous emotions like hatred, fear, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, talking about them skims the surface but doesn’t cut it all out. There may be some things that you may have trouble coming to terms with, let alone telling someone about. If you suspect some of those emotions might be building up and weighing you down, get them out of your system! Paint them, write them, sing them; whatever your instincts lead you to do. Artistic expression can be an excellent way to voice your feelings and to gain a better perspective about yourself. You can even identify an interest or hobby that could lead to a new business!

5) Learn how to be assertive

Convey your feelings or opinions about the situation: “I don’t want to do it anymore”, or “I become frustrated because then I don’t have the energy to do other things that I want/need”.

Assert your wishes: “I would like you to clean up after dinner”. “I want you to help me by instructing the kids to clean up the kitchen”.
Reinforce or reward: “Thank you so much for taking this seriously” or “If I get your cooperation on this, I will have more energy (time or interest) to devote to …” or “If I can get your help with this, I will be in a much better mood in the evening.”
Be mindful: While it can be tempting to bring up other grievances or frustrations, try to tackle them on a one-at-a-time basis.
Be confident: Do not be afraid of stating your wants and needs. Do use phrases like “I want…” and “I would like…”

HERE YOU HAVE THE BASICS OF YOUR SELF-ESTEEM RECOVERY PLAN…HERE IS THE KINDLE BOOK: “BOOSTING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM”

ENJOY THE PATH, STEP BY STEP, AND GROW INTO THE PERSON YOU WERE MEANT TO BE!

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