HOW DO YOU BECOME IMPERVIOUS TO ABUSE?
The most important thing to remember is that you have the full right to protect yourself if someone is abusing you, threatening you, or not allowing you to live the life you deserve. Here the real tragedy is that the person abusing you is the person you love. Here you have to learn to protect from the abusive behavior by separating the interaction with your husband from the relationship you have with him.
Questions like: why is he abusing me, if is he is supposed to love me? Is this the love he promised, etc, etc…are basic, and necessary…but not here in this post. Probably you have cried enough bitter tears about this painful contradiction: How is it that the person who has to love you the most, is hurting and humiliating you the most? Here I beg you to move from that agony and accept that (whatever love promises were there) you need to protect yourself. Is your basic human right to protect yourself. You are not doing anything wrong with your loved one; you are just defending yourself and that is your fundamental right.
Here are 10 Steps to Defend From Verbal Abuse:
1. While he is abusing you, your husband is measuring your reaction. Try not to show a big impact, so his attack is blunted. Calm yourself doing controlled breathing and pausing your response. Don’t cry. Don’t beg. Don’t explode. Is better not to cry, if you can control yourself.
2. Don’t give explanations or information that answers his accusations. All the abuse is imaginary, so don’t respond to any insult. Keep breathing and make an effort not to hear the venom in his words.
3. You are not obligated to listen. If you react, you will find yourself back under the abuser’s control. Detach yourself from the abuse, and repeat to yourself: “this has nothing to do with who I am.” If more hurtful words are coming your way, ignore them and walk away.
4. If you want to stay and respond: Say: “I’ve stated clearly what I will not accept. …I want you to stop doing negative comments about me in front of friends or family. When you’re ready to respect my requests, let me know. I look forward to being together at that time.”
5. Later, when the anger is gone and you feel strong enough, let him know the impact of this abuse on you. Watch carefully if he is ready to listen, or there is a possibility that he will go in another tirade against you. Use some of these phrases, avoiding accusing him:
“I feel hurt when you say negative things about me.”
“I felt your critiques of me humiliating.”
“Hearing so many negative aspects of me, makes me feel depressed.”
6. Ask for positive feedback, to see if he is capable of giving it t you: “I want to hear what do you really appreciate in me.”
7. If he offers only more sarcasm or negative words, walk away. Have a plan to do some task, visit some relatives or go to the movies, but leave the house so you can collect yourself and feel calm again.
“I want to be with you, but if you call me any kind of name again, I will leave for a time. … If you persist in making that accusation, I will end our conversation.” …
8. Clearly state what you are willing to accept and are not willing to accept from the abuser.
Communicate your position in positive terms. Keep your statement short and succinct. Don’t justify and don’t apologize. Simply state your boundaries.
“I want our relationship to continue, but I’m not willing to listen to name calling. …
“I’m not willing to hear your endless accusations.” …
“I’m not willing to endure any longer the pain of you using crude words to describe me.”
9. Have a mental plan ready, step by step, on what would you do if you decide to leave him. How safe is this plan?
10. Build support for yourself. Talk about abuse with your friends or relatives, get some free counseling from state entities, or join a chat online.
A CRUCIAL POINT TO REMEMBER:
The task of rebuilding your self-esteem after so many denigration accusations from the person you love, is still ahead of you. You will need time and effort to learn again to appreciate who you really are…and it will be the best effort of your life. Look ahead and think of the day you will live in an atmosphere of love and appreciation!Want more help to have a great self-esteem? Here is your copy of our book: “Boosting your self-esteem.”
Wishing you well,
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